I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
