when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
