Girls should come with a carfax report
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
