omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
