LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
