I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
