I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
