Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
