my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
