I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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