farters have to be the big spoon...
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I forget how to act sober
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
