Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
