she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
