I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
