Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
