You can't special order awesome
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Randomize
