He uses pillows to masturbate.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
