bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
