Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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