I don't remember. Are we still dating?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
