the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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