you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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