Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
