Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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