I met the friendliest cop last night
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
