Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
This house was built for laser tag.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
last night I used snow as a chaser
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
