oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
this hospital has no fireball
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
