Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
