my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
