PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
