Even the bartender felt bad for me
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
