Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
