Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
