Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
