Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
