when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
