mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
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