dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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