I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
