I think I won the penis lottery.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
