Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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