just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
