just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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