if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
