your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
