He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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