I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Randomize
