I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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