We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
