She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
