i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
