____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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